Your Boss is Not Your Father: A Look at Ted Lasso and Nate: Transference in the Workplace

I just finished watching season 2 of Apple’s Original Show Ted Lasso- watch it if you haven't done so already.  Everyone is talking about the  amazing lessons in leadership from this incredible show but if you haven't thought about how childhood dynamics play out in the workplace every day, watch this scene and read on.

Transference is when you redirect your childhood reactions and triggers to a different person later in life, usually a motherly or fatherly figure. This psychological phenomenon is usually unconscious and people typically don't recognize that these reactions stem from past life events. ransference, simply put, is a flashback to our past relationships and emotions. These flashbacks can make us treat our managers as parents or colleagues as siblings, desperately searching for what may make us whole. Have you ever been taken aback by watching a strong emotional outburst at work? Any overreaction or under reaction may be a sign of transference. 

In this incredible scene between Ted Lasso and Nate, it's so clear that Ted is a father figure to Nate. Nate admired Ted initially, but could we have predicted then that Nate would eventually start blaming Ted for wounds that his actual father caused? Nate’s outburst towards Ted is a reflection of his relationship with his own father and everything he has been too fearful to say in the past. Watching scenes between Nate and his father is painful,  as he is constantly trying to make his cold father proud. Nate’s people-pleasing nature stems from a lack of respect felt by his father and the inability to feel seen in life. Ted was someone who saw Nate, so when this was taken away from him, it hurt him even more than a regular boss-employee dynamic.

What gets even trickier in the workplace is that with most transference reactions, comes countertransference, the response to a person's transference. Ted feels so guilty over his own father’s suicide, which is then retriggered by Nate feeling unloved and undervalued by Ted.  Nate triggers Ted Lasso’s deepest fear: that he is responsible for someone's pain. This is due to his inability to process the death of his own father, leading to feelings of guilt, anger, and regret. But Nate's anger has little to do with Ted and much more to do with his own toxic unconscious space from unresolved issues. 

Transference often occurs in the workplace when power dynamics are involved between managers and employees - it triggers all kinds of emotions related to our first ‘boss’ or our parents. 

Most people who are unhappy at work attribute it to their relationship with bosses and coworkers. By continually getting sucked into workplace drama, they’re usually replicating problems they had with parents, siblings, or others in childhood. We see it every day with the employee who can't get to work on time, challenges authority or has unexplained jealousy or competitiveness  towards co-workers.  The challenge is to learn to stop responding to people in the workplace from a childhood-oriented perspective and to get rid of old defenses that don't serve them in adulthood and at work.  Complex relationships during our formative years makes for difficulty when forming adult relationships, especially in a place of work with certain norms and standards.

In my book, Whats Mom Still Got to do WIth it?, I explore the impact of family relationships and legacy on careers.  How can we learn to respond to something that is unconscious and an integral part of the human condition?  In the case of Nate, (spoiler alert), he does not and will not recognize his emotional reaction to Ted Lasso. Rather, he is responding to him as the rejecting father he has grown up with. As for Ted, he will have to work through his own guilt over letting Nate down, coupled with his own complex relationship to his father.  

My advice to the rest of us is if you ever find yourself with a strong reaction at work, something out of the ordinary that you might even surprise yourself with your feelings, check yourself! Raise your own self awareness, trying to make the unconscious more conscious. You can ask yourself the following questions: does this person remind me of anyone from my family of origin? Is something being triggered that might belong to someone else? Is there anything I can learn from my reaction that might help me respond more rationally and professionally? Pinpointing one's triggers can lead to a better understanding of your mind, body, and soul.

According to Brene Brown, blame has an inverse relationship with accountability. Accountability is a vulnerable process.. And blaming is one way we avoid having empathy. Once we become self aware, we can stop ourselves from blaming others before workplace drama gets out of hand, as seen through Ted and Nate. There's so much more we can control just when we think we cannot. 

For more on the impact of family of origin on career choice, advancement and relationships in the workplace, check out What’s Mom Still Got to do with it..  Spending precious time with family this Thanksgiving and holiday season might  give you a glimpse of personal insight.